- "See, there are three kinds of people: dicks, pussies and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything. So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while because, pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes! And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"
- ―Drunk in Bar
The Drunk in Bar is an old bar patron who shares his wisdom with Gary one evening.
The Drunk in Bar explains to a depressed and drunk Gary about dicks, assholes and pussies. When Gary tells him he hurt people and that he's a dick, the Drunk in Bar reassures him by claiming that being a dick isn't so bad. He explains how dicks can fuck pussies and assholes, but assholes can't be fucked by pussies. He goes onto say that if there weren't any dicks in the world then everything would get covered in shit. Gary interprets his words and realizes that Team America are the dicks who fuck assholes like Kim Jong-il. The people of America and the F.A.G. however are pussies, and pussies can't fuck assholes. Gary remembers the old man when he speaks at the peace conference. He talks about the dicks, assholes and pussies story that the old man told him at the bar. He basically says "If you don't let us fuck with that asshole Kim Jong-il, then we are going to get our dicks and our pussies, all covered in shit."